


Hidden Secrets

by malloryalexx



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Fluff, M/M, Smut, The Marauders - Freeform
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-10-22
Updated: 2017-11-18
Packaged: 2019-01-21 13:29:36
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Underage
Chapters: 3
Words: 7,921
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12458769
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/malloryalexx/pseuds/malloryalexx
Summary: Sirius Black and Remus Lupin have been together for quite some time now. However, there are some things that they keep from one another. Not that they're horrible - they're just afraid that the other wouldn't love them anymore if they happened to find out.Remus is terrified that his boyfriend would see him as a monster if his secret got out.Sirius is terrified that his boyfriend would treat him like a child if his secret got out.But the way that Remus is scarred, and how he's always visiting his mum on full moons makes Sirius start to wonder. And the way that Sirius flinches when someone moves too fast, or how he chokes back tears when being scolded makes Remus wonder as well.Their secrets are beginning to show a little too much. Good thing that they have each other.





	1. The Scars

Sirius Black woke up to the smell of chocolate and cinnamon. The smell was all around him and his entire body was warm. It reminded him of Christmas - the way that it was always warm indoors and someone was always brewing hot chocolate or apple cinnamon tea. It reminded him of the holidays, but most of all it reminded him of:

“Remus.” Sirius murmured quietly as he wrapped his arms around those of the other boy.

Remus Lupin was curled around Sirius’s body. Their legs were tangled and their arms encased each other in a hug. Remus’ thick sweater rubbed against Sirius’ bare back as he stirred, and Sirius turned to face him.

“Remus.” He repeated, dragging his hand up to place it on Remus’ shoulder.

Remus’ eyes flutter open, and Sirius smiles. “Wuh?” Remus grunts, fighting to keep his eyes open.

“You’ve got to go back to your own bed, Rem.” He glanced at the pale sunlight beginning to shine through the curtains of his four-poster bed.

Remus let out a sound of dislike and shook his head. Sirius smiled again and rubbed his boyfriend’s shoulder.

“C’mon.” he whispered, “You know what James would say if he caught us.”

Remus buried his head into the pillow. “Don't care.” he muttered, moving to snuggle closer to Sirius. “Just want you.”

“Don’t make me hex you, Rem.”

He stirred again, this time his eyes fully open as he looked at Sirius. “Weren't you the one that begged me to come over here last night?”

“Well, yeah.” Sirius rolled his eyes and leaned forward to press a quick kiss against Remus’ lips. “But you know James. He wouldn't talk to us if he found out.”

Both boys had one certain memory embedded into their brain. They were all playing spin the bottle in the common room. A large group of Gryffindors piled in a circle around a spinning bottle of butterbeer. Marlene had spun it and it landed on Peter. They both giggled, as they were friends, but kissed each other softly before pulling away and looking at James. The entire time that the bottle was spinning, he was looking at Lily. Everyone knew that he was hoping that this childish game would give him an excuse to kiss Evans. When it stopped spinning, however, it had landed on Gilderoy Lockhart. James shook his head violently.

“No way, I’m not kissing him.” James declared as he sat back.

Evans rolled her eyes. “C’mon, James it's just a game.”

“I'm not kissing a bloke.” His voice grew stern and he stood up, “You all have fun with your sodomy and such. I'm going to bed.”

Sirius was snapped back to reality when Remus had leaned in to press his lips against his cheek. “Don't think too much about that.” he whispered against Sirius’ skin.

Sirius let his eyes flutter close. “It's hard not to.” he whispered, and pulled back to look at Remus. “Please just go, though. I don't want to risk anything.”

Remus looked at him sympathetically before nodding. He threw the covers off of him and kissed Sirius’ forehead, then turned to the edge of the bed and slipped through the curtains.

Sirius could see his silhouette move across the room. Tall and lanky, but still poised and all his. He could hear the rustling of blankets as Remus found his way into his own bed. The sound made him upset. They shouldn't have to leave each other in the morning when they spent all night together. The consequences of James finding out about them, however, were much more upsetting.

Sirius flipped to lay on his back. He laid there for what seemed like an eternity, staring at the ceiling. He wished for nothing more than to walk across the dormitory and crawl into bed beside Remus. He wanted to be able to be held by his boyfriend without there being an outburst. He wanted to be able to hold his boyfriend’s hand in the corridors without people making faces. He wanted to be able to kiss his boyfriend in the open without people calling him a blood traitor. Their secret relationship was eating Sirius alive. He just wanted to be able to show affection during the day.

But it was the secrets that kept him going. It was running his hand up Remus’ thigh in the back of charms class. It was holding pinkies under the table in herbology. It was knowing each other’s favorite morning drinks. It was hugging each other in the common room when everyone else had gone up to bed. It was Remus pulling him into the Prefects bathroom at three in the morning for alone time. It was cuddling each other to sleep at night. It was being pulled behind a tapestry because one of them couldn't stand not having a quick kiss. It was holding Remus from behind while he brushed his teeth. It was giving Remus a look - the look - when someone mentioned how neither of them had girlfriends. It was their little secrets that allowed him to be okay with staying quiet. Of course Sirius wanted to flaunt his relationship around. He knew that it wasn't a good idea, though. Even in the wizarding world there was sexuality prejudices.

A faint beeping sound echoed throughout the dorm. Sirius let it continue on for a minute before saying, “Oi, James. Turn that damn alarm off.”

James stirred in the bed next to him and the beeping stopped. “Not my fault,” he muttered sleepily. “blame Evans.”

Sirius rose an eyebrow. “How is Red to blame for that?”

“I charmed my watch to wake up whenever she does” James responds cooley. “It's her fault for waking up so early.”

“Isn't that a little weird?” Sirius asks, sitting up to pull his curtains back.

James was sitting up in his bed, reaching towards the bedside table for his glasses. “Not if I happen to be in the common room seconds before she is. It's not weird if we walk together to the Great Hall.”

James pushed the covers off of him and swung his legs over the side of the bed. Both Peter and Remus (whom Sirius wasn't sure if he had fallen asleep again) had woken up and were now staring at James. Remus was shaking his head slowly.

“I just don't think that's the best way to charm a girl.” Remus said.

James stood up, running a hand through his already messy hair. “And how would you know, Rem? When was the last time you charmed a girl?” Remus hung his head, but not before he caught Sirius’ eye. “I’ll see you guys at breakfast. Don't wait too long, though, I’ve got a wicked plan for today.”

With that, James exited the dormitory. Peter rubbed sleep from his eyes and looked across the room at Sirius. Remus did the same, although the two looks at the boys were giving him were quite different from each other.

“What do you think he’s got planned?” Peter asked with a tilt of his head.

Sirius shrugged. “Probably something that involves wooing Red in the middle of Honeydukes.”

Peter’s eyes lit up at the mention of the sweets shop. “I forgot we were going to Hogsmeade today!” The boy seemingly ripped the covers off of him and knelt down in front of his trunk. He began to change out of his pajamas and into robes. “Do you think they’ve restocked the Cauldron Cakes?”

“Probably.” Remus responded, and Peter’s eyes lit up once again. “It’s been a couple months since we’ve had a Hogsmeade weekend.”

“We’ll just have to go to Honeydukes first.” Peter declared and stood up. He looked at Remus, and then to Sirius, who were both still sitting in bed. “Are you two coming down for breakfast?”

Sirius nodded. “Yeah, you go on ahead though.”

“James is probably making a fool of himself.” Remus added. “You should go drag him away from Lily.”

Peter nodded and turned to walk out of the dormitory. “Don’t wait too long or all the food will be cold.” He called out before disappearing.

Sirius and Remus stared at each other for a couple of seconds in silence. They were alone. It rarely happened, but when it did it was bliss. 

“You gonna get dressed?” Remus asked, and Sirius remembered that he was only wearing boxers.

He gave the other boy a smirk. “Only if you are.”

Remus rolled his eyes and threw the covers off of him. He was completely dressed already, but Sirius knew that he slept in day clothes. He didn’t know why, of course, but it didn’t bother him. Remus liked to be covered up. Khakis and sweaters were all he wore. That is, of course, until Sirius managed to take them off.

Sirius reciprocated the gesture of throwing his blankets off of him and sinking down in front of his trunk. He pulled out jeans and a Weird Sister’s t-shirt. Out of the corner of his eye, he could see Remus gingerly taking out clothes from his trunk. Khaki pants and a sweater - just like what he always wore. Sirius quickly pulled on his clothes, but continued to watch Remus stare down into his trunk.

“You alright?” He asked when he had finished changing.

Remus looked up at him. “Hm?” He asked, a hint of sadness in his eyes. When he realized what Sirius had asked, he nodded quickly. “Oh, yeah, I’m great.”

Sirius closed his trunk and got up to stand next to Remus. “You don’t look alright.” He said, and sunk down next to the boy on the floor. “What’s going on?”

Remus’ thumbs ran across the fabric of the clothes in his hands. “Nothing.” He said softly.

“Rem,” His voice was a whisper, and Remus looked up at him. “What is it?”

“Nothing.” He repeated, although the look of sadness returned. 

Sirius placed his hand on top of Remus’. “You don’t have to tell me,” he said in the same whisper. “But you know that you can.”

Remus hesitated, but nodded. “Yeah.” he said with false belief. “I’m just thinking a lot.”

“If it’s about the O.W.L’s you really shouldn’t be worrying about those yet.” Sirius gave him a playful smile and looked down at the clothes still in Remus’ hands. “C’mon, Peter and James are waiting.”

“I can’t.” He muttered soft enough to where Sirius almost couldn’t hear.

Sirius smiled, trying to brighten his mood. “Come on, Rem. I’ll help you.” He reached to the hem of Remus’ shirt and pulled it up.

Remus quickly pushed his hands away, but not quick enough. Sirius saw Remus’ stomach in full lighting for the first time. He saw the deep, white scars that littered his skin. He saw the angry red ones that were trying to heal. He saw how thin Remus actually was, and he was much more boney than what Sirius had only felt.

“Re-”

“Don’t.” Remus said sternly, looking at Sirius with pleading eyes.

Sirius reached for his hand, but he pulled away. Sirius looked at him, concerned. “Rem, you know I’m here for you.”

Remus swallowed, but didn’t nod. “You won’t be soon.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

His eyes dropped down to look at the clothes still clutched so desperately in his hands. “J-just don’t tell anyone.” He looked at Sirius. “Please.”

Sirius felt his heart sink down into his stomach. He knew at once that someone was hurting Remus, or Remus was hurting himself. He wanted to help his boyfriend. He wanted to do everything he could for him… but if Remus asked him not to tell, he wouldn’t.

“I wish you could stay tonight.” Sirius said, drawing his hands back into his lap. “There’s a full moon and the Prefect’s bathroom is always lit up during one. It’s really nice, if I’m being honest. But you always leave when there’s a full moon.”

Remus swallowed hard again, and this time he sat the clothes in his hands back into his trunk. “It’s the only time that I can see my mum.”

“I know, but,” Sirius shook his head softly. “I know she’s sick, I just want to spend one full moon lit night with you.”

Remus opened his mouth as if he was about to speak, but closed it instead. He sat there, silent, before Sirius reached out to place a hand on his knee.

“Can I ask something?”

Remus looked at him curiously, but nodded.

“How’d you get all those scars?”

The look of sadness returned and Remus shook his head. “I don’t wanna say.” he muttered, turning to his trunk. “You’d think I’m a monster.”

Sirius scooted closer to his boyfriend, wrapping an arm around his waist. “You could never be a monster.” he said, resting his head on Remus’ shoulder. “A monster in bed, maybe, but never a monster.”

Remus choked back a laugh and pushed Sirius away from him. “Shut up.” he said, a blush creeping up on his cheeks.

“Okay, well maybe you’re not a monster in bed.” Sirius said, smiling. “I wouldn’t know because all you wanna do is snog.”

Remus looked at him with a hint of a smile. “Can you go so I can change?”

Sirius ran his tongue across his teeth, still smiling. “Only if you’ll reconsider doing more than just snogging in the Prefect’s bathroom when you get back from your mum’s.”

Remus paused, but then rolled his eyes. “Fine. I’ll consider it.” Sirius began to stand up, “But no promises!”

“Uh-huh.” Sirius walked away, but paused before exiting. He turned back around to look at Remus. “I’ll wait in the common room for you.”


	2. The Monster

It was the first day in a couple of months that students were allowed to go to Hogsmeade. Everyone was bustling around with bags of Galleons, ready to spend them on sweets and gifts. James, Sirius, Remus, and Peter stand on the steps outside of Hogwarts, waiting in a line of other students. Filch, the caretaker was at the very front of the line, checking off names of students as they were on their way to Hogsmeade.

James ran a hand through his hair as he stood on his tiptoes. He looked over the crowd in front of him, scanning everyone for someone in particular. His eyes lit up when he saw them.

“Evans!” He shouted, but the girl ignored him. “Hey, Evans!”

Remus bent his head down to whisper in Sirius’ ear. “When do you think he’ll give up with her?”

Sirius jumped slightly at the warm breath on his neck. He took a step away from Remus to look at him. “Whenever she gives him a chance.”

They both turned their attention back to James. Evans had acknowledge him, but returned to her conversation with Marlene.

“Hey, Evans!” James yelled again. “Meet me at Madam Puddifoot’s! Got a table saved for us!”

“It’s a lost cause, James.” Sirius said, slinging his arm around his friend’s shoulder as the line began to move forward.

James shrugged him away. “It’s not a lost cause if she actually comes in.”

Peter bounced up to the other side of James, and Remus took his place beside Sirius. “What’s your plan for today, James?” Peter asked, staring up at him.

James ran a hand through his hair again. “Only the best plan of this year.” He smiled brightly down at Peter. “And it greatly involves you.”

“It does?” Peter asks excitedly.

James nods. “Yes, it does, my short little friend.” He looked to the other side of him at Sirius and Remus. “And you two, if you’re up for it.”

Sirius smiled at him wickedly. “I’m always up for a good disaster.” 

Remus’ hand brushed against his and his grin slowly faded. “That is, of course, if it doesn't involve Red.”

“Of course it involves her!” James exclaimed. “And your less-than-enthusiastic approach on this plan has me worried, Sirius.”

Sirius twitched his hand to have it brush against the back of Remus’. “I'm just not up for trying to get you laid today, that’s all.”

James turned to Sirius, and his hands cupped either side of Sirius’ face. The boy flinched back an inch or two at the swift action, but allowed for his face to be squished by his best friend.

“Sirius Black.” James declared, squishing his face so his lips puckered. “When have you ever been against getting laid, or anyone else getting laid?”

Sirius pushed his hands away. “I just wanna have a relaxed day, that’s all.” James continued to look at him as if he had sprouted wings. “Remus has to leave today, you know that.”

“Oh,” James said softly, obviously forgetting. “Well you two can hang out if you want, but Peter and I are gonna convince Evans to love me.”

“You’re not even gonna try to hang with Rem’s today?” Sirius asked, raising an eyebrow.

James looked past Sirius to look at Remus. “Sorry, man, but you understand how dire this is, don't you?”

Remus smiled. “What? Your dire need to make Evans fall in love with you?”

James smiled back at him. “You know it.”

When they had reached Hogsmeade, Sirius and Remus had split off from James and Peter. James and Peter had set off for Madam Puddifoot’s, whereas Sirius and Remus stood in the middle of the street. Students from all houses made their way around them as they stood there.

“Where do you wanna go?” Sirius asked, looking up at Remus.

He took a second to look at the shops around him. “Sorta wanna head back for some alone time.”

Sirius frowned. “C’mon, Rem. We’re here so we might as well do something before we go back.”

“Did you just turn down the offer of some quality snogging?” Remus asked, his voice full of impressment. “I never would have thought I'd see this day.”

“Shut up.” Sirius said mockingly, pushing into his shoulder to get him to walk. “Let’s just have a drink, alright? And then we can snog as much as you want.”

They headed into The Three Broomsticks. It was rather empty, considering most of the other students enjoyed to start their Hogsmeade day off with Zonko’s Joke Shop or Honeydukes. The Three Broomsticks, however, was Sirius’ favorite shop. It reminded him of his boyfriend. A fire was always lit, and it smelled of old books, and there was always a small chatter. Remus had found the two of them a table, and Sirius went up to the bar to order their drinks.

“Can I have a black coffee with a shot of espresso, and a tea with extra milk and sugar?”

When Sirius had collected the two cups, he set off for the table Remus had chosen. He sat the cups down, and then pulled out a chair.

“A black coffee with a shot of espresso.” Sirius said with a grin, pushing the cup towards Remus. He took it gladly, and Sirius picked up his own cup of tea. “You know, I’ll never understand how you drink that stuff black.”

Remus sat his cup down after taking a sip. “It keeps you awake.”

“Nobody needs to be that awake.” Sirius said, taking a long sip before sitting his cup down on the table. “It’s not like you stay up all night, anyway.”

Remus shrugged. “My dreams keep me awake?”

“Bad dreams?” He asked, curious yet concerned.

Remus shrugged again. “Not the best, but nothing to worry about.” He looked down at his coffee with the same sad eyes from before in the dormitory.

“Hey.” Sirius whispered, brushing his foot against Remus’ leg under the table. Remus looked up at him. “You sure you're alright?”

“Yeah.” Remus said uncertainly. “I'm just… worried.”

“About your mum?”

He nodded. “She keeps getting more sick. Worse every time I see her.”

“I'm sure she’ll be alright.” He gave him a soft smile. “Just try not to think about it. You’ll see her tonight.”

“That's why I can't stop thinking about it.”

Sirius looked down at his tea. He had barely drank any of it, but he knew what he had to do. “Do you wanna head back to the school?”

Remus shook his head. “No, you wanted to stay out for a bit.”

“I don't mind.” Sirius brushed his leg once more. “We can go back if you want.”

Remus’s hand wrapped tighter around his mug. He wanted to go back, Sirius could tell. His night would be filled with worry over his mum, and Sirius wanted to make sure that the day before he left was stress free. 

“Do you want to go back?” Sirius pushed, his grey eyes filled with nothing but love. Remus looked back down at the cup in his hand, but nodded. “Let’s go, then.” He stood up and tossed two Galleons on the table. 

Remus followed suit by standing and walking out of The Three Broomsticks.

Most of the other students had found their way into shops, so the streets of Hogsmeade were rather empty compared to minutes before. Sirius made point to “stumble” next to Remus so their hands brushed together. He wanted nothing more than to be able to actually hold his hand.

“Remus?” He asked once they walked far enough away from anyone in earshot. The taller boy looked down at him, but said nothing. “Are you sure that you’re okay?” He kept thinking of the scars on his boyfriend’s stomach, and how much thinner he was than what Sirius had thought.

“I’m fine, Sirius.” He replied, although it was unconvincing. 

Sirius stayed silent the rest of the walk back to Hogwarts. It seemed as if he were annoying Remus, and that was the last thing he wanted to do. He just wanted to make sure that his boyfriend was safe. There was no doubt that Remus was hurt - Sirius just didn’t know if he was going it to himself or not. 

They walked up the steps to the school, and this time it was Remus who made sure their hands brushed against each other.

“Where do you wanna go?” Sirius finally asked, following the boy’s lead around the corridors.

“Dormitory.” Remus said with much more declaration than usual.

Sirius bit the inside of his cheek to stop himself from blushing. There were very few places Remus wanted to go when they had the opportunity to be alone. However, when they were alone in their dormitory, it almost always led to cuddling and snogging.

Sirius made point to lean his shoulder against Remus as they stood outside The Fat Lady. 

“Magnolia Major.” Remus said to the painting, and it opened up to reveal the common room as empty.

When the painting closed behind them, Remus turned quickly to Sirius. The movement was swift, and it made Sirius flinch back. When hand cupped his face, however, he melted. Rough lips met his, and Sirius squeaked in surprise at the desperation. They hadn’t kissed in the common room before.

Remus pulled back and pushed on Sirius’ shoulders, leading him to the stairs. As they climbed, he kept one hand on Sirius’ hip, being much more forward than usual.

“Are you sure no one’s here?” Sirius whispered once they were standing in front of their dormitory door.

Remus nodded and pushed his boyfriend backwards into the room. He closed the door behind them, and his hands instantly found Sirius’ hips. Surprised, Sirius let his arms snake around the other boy’s neck, and their lips met in a passionate kiss. Remus was hungry, pulling Sirius close to him, but also pushing him backwards. His legs hit the edge of a bed, and he let himself lay down on it, his legs dangling over the edge. Remus hovered over him, his hands on either side of Sirius’ head. He let his lips find the crook of Sirius’ neck, and the boy softened beneath him. Sirius moved his arms away from Remus’ neck, and pressed them against his chest instead. Remus let his mouth find Sirius’ once again, and one of his hands roamed down to the waistband of Sirius’ pants.

“Remus.” Sirius muttered between kisses.

Remus pulled away, his face inches away from the other boy’s. “I considered it.” He said against Sirius’ lips. “I want you.” His hand tugged on the front of Sirius’ pants.

Sirius lowered one of his hands to grab Remus’ and push him away. “Remus.” He repeated.

“What?” he asked, pulling away from Sirius. 

Sirius let go of his hand. “This isn’t right.”

“Isn’t this what you wanted?”

Sirius frowned. “It’s not what you want.”

The sad look in his eyes returned, and Remus stood up to turn away from Sirius.

“Love,” Sirius whispered, sitting up to look at his boyfriend. “Love, what’s wrong?”

Remus turned back to him, tears filling those amber eyes. “I can’t tell you.” he muttered, walking over to sit next to Sirius. “I want to, but I can’t.”

Sirius turned to look at him, resting his hand on Remus’ knee. “Rem, I’m worried.” A tear fell silently down his boyfriend’s cheek. “Rem, is someone hurting you?” Remus shook his head, and Sirius asked the next question much quieter. “Are you hurting yourself?”

Remus paused, but shook his head. “I can’t tell you.”

“Why not, Rem?” His voice was pleading. “Why can’t you tell me?”

Another tear fell. “You’d think I’m a monster.” Remus swallowed hard. “You’d think I’m horrible.”

Sirius removed his hand from Remus’ knee and placed it on his face, wiping away the tears falling from his eyes. “Remus Lupin.” He whispered, wishing that look of sadness would disappear. “I love you. I love how you’re always begging everyone to study. I love how you wear sweaters to bed. I love how you can barely form a sentence when you first wake up.” Another tear fell, but Sirius continued. “I love how you break rules for me and I love how you listen to me. I love you, Remus. And… and I love you even with your scars.”

Remus moved his arms to wrap around his own stomach. “They’re ugly.” He said, his gaze dropping down. “I’m ugly.”

“You are not.” Sirius declared, and Remus looked back up. “You don’t have to tell me what’s going on, but you know that I’m always going to be here.”

Remus sniffled, and his arms wrapped tighter around himself. “You won’t be forever.”

“I will be.” Sirius told him in a voice that said he spoke the truth. “Forever.”

“I’m a monster, Sirius.” He choked on his words. “I-I’ll hurt you.”

Sirius removed his hand from his face and placed it back on his knee. “You’re not a monster, Remus.” He tried to catch any glimpse of happiness in those sad, amber eyes. “You have a monster inside you. That monster keeps telling you that you’ll hurt me, and that you’ll hurt yourself, but you’re not a monster, Rem.” He squeezed his knee when another tear fell from Remus’ eyes. “I promise.”

Remus choked back a sob and removed his arms from around his waist. Instead, he wrapped them around Sirius’ shoulders and buried his head into his boyfriend’s neck. His breath was hot against his skin, and his tears were cool. Sirius brought his arms up to encase Remus.

“It’s okay.” He whispered, holding the back of Remus’ head. “I promise it’s okay.”

They sat there for a few moments. Remus in Sirius’ arms, trying to calm down over a secret that his boyfriend knew nothing about. Sirius didn’t even know it, but his words about the monster inside him hit him incredibly hard. He wasn’t a monster. There was a monster inside him. That was the most encouraging words that Remus had ever been told about his disease.

Remus knew that Sirius loved him, that Sirius cared about him. He also knew that Sirius wasn’t telling the truth that he would be there forever. The second that he found out about Remus’ disease, Sirius would leave him. He truly was a monster. He was bound to hurt Sirius.

There’s no telling what a werewolf could do.

Remus pulled away from his boyfriend, taking in shaky breaths. He sat there, red-eyed and scared. Sirius kept his hands on his shoulders, holding him up and keeping him steady.

“I love you.” He whispered, his hands squeezing Remus’ shoulders.

Remus smiled wearily. “Can we lay together?” He asked softly, although his eyes were pleading.

Sirius returned the weary smile, and nodded. “Of course.” He said, shifting on the bed to where his head was near the pillows. “Come here.” He held his arms out, calling Remus towards him.

Remus moved to where his back was against Sirius. His arms wrapped around Remus, and he felt safe. The boy was strong, at least in Remus’ eyes, and knew how to hold someone properly. Remus pulled his arms up to hold the hands that were against his chest.

Sirius’ head moved, and Remus could feel a gentle kiss pressed against the back of his head.

For a guy who seemed like he was built out of motor oil and steel, Sirius really was a giant teddy bear.


	3. The Truth

Sirius woke up to the smell of stale linen and body odor. The smell was all around him and it made him come out of his groggy daze. Usually he would wake up to Remus being wrapped around him. Usually he was comforted the second that he awoke, but not this morning. The morning just wasn't the same without Remus. It had only been the first day with his boyfriend being at home, but it still was awful.

The same beeping sound as a few days prior echoed throughout the dormitory and Sirius was less than patient about it today.

“Merlin, James, turn off that damn alarm!”

James shuffled in his bed, and the beeping stopped. “What’s got you in a piss mood?” he muttered sleepily, pushing on his glasses.

Sirius rolled over to face his friend. He didn't want to mention how he was worried about Remus. “Nothing.” he hissed, watching as James got out of bed and pulled on his robes.

“Then don’t act like you drank vinegar.” James began to make his way out of the room, but Sirius called out to him before he reached the doorway.

“James?” He asked, his voice much softer than before.

The change in tone made him turn around, “Yeah?”

“Can I ask something?”

James looked at the door with slight worry, and then back at Sirius. “Sure, mate.” He walked back over to Sirius’ bed and sat on the end. “Make it quick, though. Evans is probably already in the common room.”

Sirius ignored the comment about Red. “Do you think Remus is alright?”

James tilted his head. “Yeah, he’s at his mum’s.” He obviously didn’t understand the situation. “Why? Did something happen?”

Sirius swallowed. He knew that Remus didn’t want him to mention what he saw. He knew he didn’t want anyone else to know about the scars, but James was one of their best mates. Remus couldn’t go through this alone.

“I’m just worried about him.” Sirius said, furrowing his eyebrows. “I… He just leaves every month and won’t tell us what his mum is sick with, and when he comes back he’s always with Poppy.”

“What’re you thinking?” James asked, bringing his legs up under him to sit cross-legged.

Sirius shrugged, trying not to give away too much information. “I don’t know. I just think it’s weird.”

James paused, thinking. “It is strange that he’s always with Poppy when he comes back.”

“Do you think something’s going on?”

“Like what?”

Sirius paused for much longer than he should have. He was thinking of so much. Should he tell James what he expected? It scared him enough to think about it, but saying it outloud made it much more of a possibility. 

“I think someone’s hurting him.” Sirius said softly, but quickly added, “But I don’t know. I just think it’s weird.”

“It is weird, Sirius, I’ll give you that.” A sad look passed over James’ face, but he swiftly pushed it away. “How about we do some research on it, yeah?”

“Research?”

“Yeah, about what’s going on with him.” James seemed to peak up, which was odd considering he wasn’t this excited about doing research for their homework. “You know, we can read up on sicknesses and things that get worse every month and we can look up abusive homes.”

“I don’t think Rem is in an abusive home.”

“But you think he’s being abused?”

Sirius swallowed. “I don’t know what I really think.”

“So we’ll research it.” James clapped his hands together and unfolded his legs. “We’ll get Peter in on it, too. You know how he’s good at finding certain things in books - almost as good as Remus.”

“Rem can’t know we’re doing this.”

“No, of course not.” James responded. “We’re just looking out for him. The situation is weird, you’re right about that. I’m surprised we didn’t notice it sooner.”

“Yeah, me too.” 

 

Sirius Black, James Potter, and Peter Pettigrew sit at a table in the library. Stacks of books surround them, and passers whisper because “Are those Gryffindors actually doing work for once?”. The books consisted of everything that they could find that related slightly to Remus’ situation. Books on magical sicknesses, as well as muggle illnesses, books on sicknesses that get worse from month to month, books on magical diseases, and books on abusive wizarding families. Not only this, but Sirius had slipped a book on youths that harm themselves into his own bag for further reading.

“Find anything, Peter?” James asked, holding his head up with his hand.

Peter frowned down at the book he was flipping through. “Nothing that really fits.” He flipped another few pages before closing the book completely. “All I’ve found that kinda fits is lycanthropy, but -”

“A werewolf?” Sirius asks, closing his own book about muggle illness. “You think Remus is a werewolf?”

Peter shakes his head. “Not really. I mean, it would be really hard for him to hide.”

“Especially from his best mates.” James adds, his hand lodged in his hair.

Peter nods. “Yeah, and besides, he doesn’t really show anything that goes along with being one. It’s just the only thing that fits like one thing about him.”

“What goes along with being a werewolf?” Sirius asks, hoping that his boyfriend truly wasn’t what Peter was saying.

Peter pauses, thinking back to what he had previously read. “Well, most werewolves have a lot of scars.”

Check.

“And they’re always tired. You know, because of like the changes.”

Check. Remus drinks espresso like it’s honey.

“And a lot of them have animal instincts, like they can’t always help themselves.”

Check. Remus is DEFINITELY an animal at times.

“What’s the werewolf thing that fits with him?” James asks, pulling his hand away from his hair and pushing his glasses back up the bridge of his nose.

Peter nods, almost as if he had forgotten about that aspect. “He leaves at the same time every month. You know, like around full moons.”

“But that’s because his mum is sick.” James retaliates. 

“But what if he’s lying?” Sirius whispered. Both Peter and James looked at him in shock. “What if he’s lying and his mum isn’t really sick?”

They stayed silent for a few seconds before James spoke up. “You think Remus would lie to us about being a werewolf?”

Sirius shrugs. “I mean, if he is one, he’s probably ashamed of it.” 

“Why would he be?” James asked. “He’s our best mate.”

“Not ashamed of us knowing,” Sirius corrected himself. “But of the lycanthropy. Werewolves aren’t exactly accepted, you know.”

“You’re right.” James agreed. “But still, even if he is lying about his mum, he doesn’t have any scars.”

“We never see his arms or legs.” Peter says. “He always wears jumpers and pants - he could have scars.”

A wave of uncertainty passed over James. “Okay, fair point. But what about the animal instinct part?”

“It said a lot of werewolves have animal instincts.” Peter says softly. “Not all of them.”

The three boys stayed silent. It was obvious to them all that there was a good chance Remus, their best mate, was a werewolf.

“What do we do?” Peter asks, looking at James and Sirius for some kind of idea.

James was at a loss for words, and looked at Sirius for answers.

Sirius, however, had no idea what to do, either. “Let’s just watch him.” He said quickly. “You know, keep an eye on him to see if he shows any signs over the next month.” Peter and James both nodded in agreement. “If he doesn’t show anything, then we meet up when he goes to his mum’s next month to see if there’s anything else.”

“Good plan, Sirius.” James says, smiling. “When does he get back?”

“It should be today.” Sirius’ stomach was in knots. “That means once he gets back from Poppy, then we can ask him questions.”

“I don’t think we should bombard him with questions.” Peter says, “We should just treat him like normal.”

“You’re right.” James agrees. “If we treat him any differently, he’ll know something’s up.”

It felt as if there was a weight in Sirius’ stomach. He wanted nothing more than to help his boyfriend, but he didn't know how. It would be difficult not to treat him any differently. Even the last few days Sirius, knowing that something was happening, had tried to comfort Remus. The comforting, however, had been different. How was he supposed to treat him the same after knowing that something was going on?

“We should go.” Peter states, beginning to stack the books that they had pulled out.

“Why?” James asked, completely confused.

Peter looked at him mousily, not wanting to say something that James would shoot down. “We’re learning about Animagi today.” he said, retreating his hands into his lap. “Professor McGonagall is going over how to become one.”

“What even is that?” James asked, his third-year ignorance showing through.

“I think that’s like when you can turn into animal.” Sirius responded. “I heard my father talking about them once.”

James’ eyes lit up and he pushed away from the table. “We should becoming Animagi. It’d be pretty cool to be able to walk around the school without anyone knowing it was us.”

Sirius stifled a laugh. “Is James Potter actually excited to go to a class?”

He glared at his friend. “You know damn well, Sirius, that I’m just excited to learn how to get into trouble as an Animagi.”

“Uh-huh.” Sirius said, pushing away from the table.” You keep telling yourself that.”

 

Sirius had decided to skip out on dinner. He wasn’t particularly hungry, and besides, he knew that Remus should be back in their dormitory. Sirius was nervous to see his boyfriend, which was a new feeling. Usually he was overcome with confidence and love, but now he felt something in his gut that made him uneasy. What if Remus really was a werewolf? What if Sirius said something that made the beast inside him come out?

Taking a shaky breath, Sirius climbed the steps up to the boy’s dormitories. He paused outside of the door that lead to his room. Remus would be in there, or at least he should be. He stood outside the door, his hand resting on the doorknob. There was a soft sound coming from inside, and Sirius pressed his ear against the door to hear it more clearly. It sounded almost as if… was Remus crying?

He pushed the door open and stepped inside. Almost instantly the sniffling stopped. Remus had his back to the door, and he was so still that if Sirius hadn’t heard anything before, he would have thought he was asleep.

He shut the door behind him and began to walk forward. “Rem?” he asked, sitting down on the edge of his bed.

Remus’ stiff body softened, but he didn’t turn over. “Sirius.” he whispered, his voice shaking.

“Are you alright?” Sirius asked, his hand reaching to touch Remus’ hip.

The boy shuttered, but still didn’t move. “Yeah.” he lied.

Sirius moved so he was sitting with his legs against Remus’ back. “Did something happen at your mum’s?”

Remus shook his head but didn’t respond verbally.

“Are you lying?” he asked softly, praying to Merlin that he wasn’t.

Remus paused, but then gave a curt nod.

Sirius’ stomach dropped. He moved his hand to place it on his boyfriend’s shoulder. “Rem, look at me.”

“No.” his voice cracked, and Sirius could hear the sadness once again. “You’ll think I’m a monster.”

“Remus Lupin.” He said lovingly, giving Remus’ shoulder a light squeeze. “You are not a monster, and I will never think that.” Sirius bent down to place a soft kiss on his temple. “Rem, please look at me.”

A few moments passed of just Remus laying there, staring at the wall blankly. He was shaking slightly, trying to choke back sobs. Sirius loomed over him, though, and their eyes met.

“Rem.” he whispered, his hand caressing Remus’ cheek.

Remus closed his eyes. He reopened them and moved to face Sirius. Immediately Sirius could tell why he didn’t want to turn over.

A deep, long, angry gash ran across Remus’ face. It extended from his left temple to the corner of his mouth. It had been bandaged before, seeing as there were remnants of tape running along its side. It wasn’t bleeding, but it was a harsh color of red.

“Rem,” Sirius muttered, not being able to tear his eyes away from the cut.

Remus wrapped one of his hands around Sirius’ leg. He closed his eyes tightly, and shook his head. “I’m ugly.”

Sirius was at a loss for words. How had this happened? “What happened, love?”

Remus kept his eyes shut, and his words came out trembling. “I-I don’t know.” he took in a deep breath, “I d-did it t-t-to myself.”

To himself? “Rem, tell me what’s going on.” Sirius let his hand drift through his boyfriend’s hair. 

“You’ll think I’m a -”

“You’re not a monster.” Sirius interrupted. “You could tell me that absolutely anything is happening and you still wouldn’t be a monster.” He let his hand go to the back of Remus’ head. “Remus, I’d still love you if you were half giant. I’d still love you if you were muggle-born, and you know that. I’d still love you if,” he remembered what him, Peter, and James had been speaking about earlier. “If you were a werewolf.”

Remus stiffened. He opened his eyes and looked at Sirius pleadingly. “How did you find out?”

Sirius blinked. “Find what out?”

Remus was shaking terribly. “How did you find out I’m a werewolf?”

His stomach dropped once more. So it was true. Remus was a werewolf. 

Sirius forced a loving smile onto his face, his hands encircled in his boyfriend’s hair. “Lucky guess.” he said softly. “Why didn’t you tell me?”

Remus shook his head. “I didn’t know how.”

“So you let yourself go through this alone?”

“I’ve been alone since I was four.” Remus said this bitterly, and sat up. The gash across his face was much more noticeable when they were eye-to-eye. “I didn’t tell you because I didn’t want you to stop caring about me.”

“I’m never going to stop caring about you.” Sirius looked at him with sadness in his eyes. How could Remus actually believe that he would stop loving him? “Remus, you know that I’m the last person who would care about you being a werewolf.”

Remus’ eyes dropped into his lap and he shook his head. “What if I hurt you, though?”

“When did you become a werewolf?” Sirius asked, trying to get his boyfriend to look back up at him. “You said you were four, yeah?” Remus nodded. “So you’ve been a werewolf for, like, nine years? You haven’t hurt me in the last three years, I doubt you will now that I know.”

Remus kept his eyes locked on his lap. “Sirius, I don’t want to -”

“You won’t.” Sirius reached forward and put his hand on Remus’ knee. “Rem, you’re the best thing that has ever happened to me.”

He finally looked up. An unbelieveable amount of sadness filled those amber eyes, and tears pricked their edges. The left side of his mouth drooped slightly lower than the right due to the freshly made scar. 

“I’m not about to let something like this come between us.” Sirius said truthfully. “You probably don’t believe me but you’d have to do a whole lot of awful things for me to stop loving you.”

Remus kept quiet for a couple of seconds. He stared at Sirius, the sadness in his eyes slowly disappearing. The look he was giving him now was something much different than sadness. In fact, it was more like love. Lust, even. 

Sirius gave him a smirk and raised his hand to press against Remus’ unhurt cheek. Moving slowly, the two boys leaned towards each other. At first their lips only grazed. Sirius rubbed his thumb against the other boy’s cheek and deepened their kiss. Remus was much more tentative than usual; he had just as much passion, but his lips were soft. 

Trying to make his boyfriend be more rough, Sirius brought his other hand up to Remus’ cheek. He had forgotten about the wound, however, and Remus squeaked in pain. Instantly Sirius let him go and pulled away.

“Sorry,” he muttered, a smirk still on his face. “Got carried away.”

Remus swallowed and smiled back at him. “It’s alright.” He tried to smile through any pain he was feeling.

“You okay?” Sirius asked, remembering that whenever Remus came back from his mum’s (or… he supposed now that it was coming back from his werewolf transformation) that he was always incredibly tired.

Remus nodded, much more confident with his answer than before. “Just a bit tired.”

“You should get some rest.” Sirius advised. “I mean, James and Peter will be back soon and-”

“You can’t tell them.” Remus interrupted. Sirius raised an eyebrow and he continued. “About me being a… you know.”

“Rem, I wasn’t going to tell -”

“You can’t.” He repeated. “I-it’s bad enough that you know, but they’re my best mates and I don’t want them to hate me.”

“Rem, I won’t tell them.” Sirius placed his hand back onto Remus’ knee. “But you know that they wouldn’t care.”

Remus shook his head. “We didn’t think that James would hate us if he found out about us, but we both know he would.”

Sirius lowered his eyes and took in a deep breath. “Just get some rest, love, alright? You need to rest.”

Remus paused, but turned to where his back was facing Sirius as he laid down. He was back in the position that Sirius had walked in on. He moved his hand to rest on his boyfriend’s shoulder.

“Sirius,” he began when the hand touched him. “Please don’t tell them.”

“I won’t.” He promised. 

It took everything within Sirius not to curl up around Remus. He wanted to hug his boyfriend, knowing that he was tired and upset, but he couldn’t. James and Peter would be back from the Great Hall soon, and he couldn’t risk them seeing him wrapped around Remus. He couldn’t risk loving his boyfriend, which was the most difficult thing he ever would have to go through.


End file.
